The Expectations We Put On Others

Mindset U in Two (ish)
Your daily gut check.
A two(ish)-minute read where I cut the noise, punch through the excuses, and give you one thought plus one action that can actually change something. 

Full disclosure, I was told by multiple people that my emails were too long.
So here I am...aware and adjusting ;-)

 

November 6, 2025

The Expectations We Put On Others

The holidays are creeping up again. YAY!!!!  Which means it's almost time for that annual emotional obstacle course with the people you swear you love but sometimes want to launch into the sun. And the wild part is that most of us show up already carrying a whole fantasy script about how everyone should behave.
 

We expect our family and friends to show up in ways that make us feel settled.
We expect conversations to magically play out like the perfect version we rehearsed in the shower.
We expect interactions to match our effort, which is hilarious considering half of us barely slept, and the other half is hanging on by caffeine and unresolved childhood resentment.
We expect people to meet us exactly where we are, even though we have absolutely no clue where they are starting from.
 

Or worse, we expect the worst.
We've talked so much shit about the past on the drive there that we've basically preloaded our brain with a highlight reel of every insult, slight, and glitch we have ever experienced.
We do the self-talk and the actual talk, and our nervous system eats it like fuel.
By the time we park the car, grab the veggie tray, our brains are not even seeing people anymore. It's scanning for threats. It is rehearsing comebacks.
It's getting ready for a fight that hasn't even happened.
We keep things surface-level.
We avoid the relative who stares at you like they are trying to diagnose you with something.
We walk through the door, already done with people who have not even spoken yet.
 

And at that point, we have to ask the question nobody ever asks out loud.
What's the fucking point?
Seriously. What the "F" are we doing?
Are we here to connect or just to survive the evening without saying something that ends up in a group chat?
 

Then it happens.
Someone sighs.
Someone looks at you like you are the problem.
Someone gets up and leaves, and heaven forbid they have heavy heels.
Someone asks a question that pokes at a bruise you have pretended is healed.
 

And boom. Your nervous system goes full DEFCON even though all they did was breathe in your direction.
 

And here is the truth bomb everyone avoids. That reaction is not about the moment. It's about the old shit behind it. Your trauma and your subconscious are basically two drunk screenwriters rewriting your dialogue without your permission. They work fast. Faster than your adult brain. Faster than logic. Faster than the part of you that reads self-help books, crushes podcasts, and convinces yourself you are evolving.
 

And this stuff does damage. Like for real!!
It messes with how your siblings see you.
It changes how your kids feel around you.
It makes your parents think you are still fourteen and offended by everything.
It teaches your friends to walk on eggshells because they trigger memories they were never part of.
 

We think we are protecting ourselves from hurt because we've been there before.
But really, we start performing a version of ourselves that fits someone else’s trauma narrative.
 

We shrink.
We dodge.
We censor.
We pretend.
 

And suddenly, we are not the person we are today. We are the people we had to be back then.
 

Add alcohol, and it all gets stupid fast.
Alcohol shuts off the part of your brain that keeps you civil.
It lights up the part that remembers every insult from 2009.
Alcohol, the holidays and your subconscious sitting in the back seat like a gremlin. Always a recipe for disaster.
 

This is why awareness matters. If you walk into the holidays expecting everyone to behave exactly how you need or expecting everything to fall apart. Guess what? That's exactly what's going to happen. You are reading the same tired script again. But if you walk in knowing your patterns and calling out your own bullshit before anyone else has to, you give yourself and everyone around you a fighting chance.
 

The goal's not to pretend you are calm. The goal is to catch the moment you are not. To slow the reaction. To choose the present moment over the ancient soundtrack your brain keeps trying to play.
 

So before the holiday check-ins and gatherings, ask yourself this.
Am I showing up as the person I am today or the person I've had to be to survive?
 

Answer that with real honesty, and you might actually enjoy yourself.


Awareness is great, but it is useless without something you can do in real time. When the room gets loud, when the old patterns start poking at you, you need tools you can actually reach for. Not theory. Not inspirational nonsense. Actual behaviours that calm your system, protect your peace, and keep you from slipping back into the past.
 

Here are a few you can use anywhere. Holidays. Work. Life. Every single day.

 

1. Match your body language to the person you want to be.
Before you walk in or before a conversation starts, drop your shoulders, loosen your jaw and slow your breath. Your nervous system listens to your posture more than your self-talk. If you hold your body like the calm version of you, your brain follows. Use this everywhere. Gym. Work. Home. Holidays.
 

2. Set one intention for the moment.
Not a goal. An intention. Something simple like, “I stay grounded” or “I respond, not react.” Give your brain a job before the chaos starts. The mind behaves better when you direct it instead of letting it improvise.
 

3. Have a non alcohol bailout strategy.
Two minutes outside. A bathroom reset. Fresh air. A slow walk to refill your water. Anything that disrupts the pattern and gives your brain a chance to cool off. Use this in real time, but also use it daily, any time you feel the emotional temperature rising.
 

4. Choose one person you will not take personally today.
Pick them before the event. It is a psychological trick. When your brain knows there is one person who cannot get to you, your whole system relaxes. You become less reactive to everyone. You can use this anywhere. One coworker. One client. One relative. It works every time.
 

Oh... and don't drink and drive :-)
 

Much love,
Coach Curtis